


A Night to Remember

by ChElFi



Series: Eighteen Anniversary Drabbles [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt Steve, Hurt Steve Rogers, Steve Angst, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 00:24:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3308771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sad ain't my style<br/>
But once in a while<br/>
I just have to give in<br/>
'Cause a woman like you,<br/>
Is so hard to lose<br/>
You just don't want it to end<br/>
I know this can't go on forever<br/>
So tonight I'll have a night to remember<br/>
"A Night to Remember" Joe Diffie</p><p></p>
            </blockquote>





	A Night to Remember

**Author's Note:**

> And so we have that depressing chapter I forewarned. In case you don't memorize the timeline of every story arc you've ever read, in this part of my story Maria has been missing and presumed dead for almost a year. If you want to be happy after you read this, the ending is covered in "Not for the Feint of Heart." Also, you might want to read "Snowflakes are Falling" to understand the Santa references in this story. And, if you want to know why Steve dislikes Nick, read "Things That Go to Make up a Life."
> 
> Other things: Flashbacks are in parenthesis, and in this series, Jasper is a good guy. Hey, somebody has to save the guy's reputation. :)
> 
> Thanks for all the favorites and follows. I really like reviews as well. :) Kind words and constructive criticism are always welcome. Anonymous flames will be flushed down the internet toilet. :D

The ambience in the living room of the Rogers' home was perfect for a romantic anniversary. A low, warm fire ebbed the chill of the early Spring air; the furniture was pushed back to allow for a soft blanket to be laid out in front of the fire; on the coffee table were two filled wine glasses.

Steve sat on the sofa and gazed into the eyes of his lovely wife. The flames of the fire reflected off the glass of the frame that protected her photo from dust and decay, death.

Steve took a deep breath and leaned forward for his glass. He'd long since worked past the guilt he felt at not being able to protect Maria, but the reality still stung.

He took a long draught from the glass, stemware from the set Bruce gave them for their wedding, ("Bruce had uncommonly good taste, don't you think?"), and the Asgardian mead burned as it flowed down Steve's throat in a way no earthly liquor could. ("It's Christmas. I just want to try a little. We'll water it down." "OK, but you cannot hold me responsible for whatever happens.")

He set the frame on the table to pick up the picture from that Christmas, their last together. Maria smiled up at the camera over a tiny tea cup across the little play table from Hope who was serving her mother a small but beautifully decorated "cake." Maria was so happy. She had told him that every smile was because of him.

("I'll have to find someone who'd like these wrinkle creams Darcy gave me. I like my wrinkles. You gave them to me after all." "I gave you wrinkles? Grey hair, too, I suppose." "No, that was SHIELD, and Stark. The smile wrinkles, though, are yours.")

Steve set the Christmas picture down and picked up a sketch he made of her not long after that occasion, which had been her 40th birthday. Prior to that he'd always left the wrinkles off, most women always seemed to be complaining about them. But this time he'd made sure to capture the crinkle around each eye and the small curves around her lips. ("I like this one best of all.")

Steve swallowed down the last of the mead in his glass. He longed for another but was afraid of what he'd do if he were actually drunk. Instead he set the drawing down with the other pictures he'd spent the night looking at and leaned his head back on the sofa.

He'd made it through all the major events since Maria had gone missing and had been declared dead: His birthday; Hope's birthday; Hope's first day of kindergarten; Hope's homecoming day* which was the same day Melissa's birth and memorial day; Halloween, on which Hope insisted on dressing up like Mommy, in Mommy's clothing; Thanksgiving; Christmas, on which Hope cried herself to sleep in "Santa's" lap; Maria's birthday; Valentine's Day.

Today should have been their 9th Anniversary. Steve took another deep breath to try to calm himself but this time it didn't help at all. He felt the tears start to fall again. He didn't fight them anymore. Hope knew them as his only constant companion. He had tried to be strong for her, but after what she'd told him as Santa, that she could hear him crying after she went to bed each night, he thought maybe he should be more open with her so she could work through her grief as well.

Steve laughed a cruel laugh at those words. How would he ever work out his grief? He had lost so much in his life, but this seemed the most difficult. He'd taken Hope to counseling to help her but he really didn't see how anything could help him. He'd lost the most important person in his life and it was only Hope's need for him that kept him from a one man vendetta against the terrorists who had killed Maria.

Jasper was taking care of that. Steve knew the man was using his position as the new head of SHIELD to bring down the people who had done this. Steve didn't mind working with Jasper. But he wasn't sure he could ever forgive Nick.

Steve forced his thoughts to stop. He wasn't going to think about that tonight. Tonight he was going to remember Maria in all the good things she'd brought into his life. She'd given him comfort in his loneliness and confusion right from the beginning. And it had only been because it was her nature to do so. She hadn't had an agenda, she wasn't trying to get anything from him.

He looked over the pictures on the table and leaned forward to pick up the one the nurse had taken the first time Maria had held Hope. Maria's face was full of joy and awe, as if she'd just been handed the world. She'd been so worried when she discovered she was pregnant that she would be a terrible mother, but Maria was amazing. The first year alone she did almost everything on her own as Steve wasn't much use with his PTSD. And as Hope grew and was far more "girly" than either had expected, Maria seemed to revel in the tea parties and ruffles. She and Pepper would take the girls to mother-daughter teas. The four would have hair and make-up parties and sleep overs.

"I'm not doing this right without you," he said to the woman in the photo. "I have to learn how to make a ballet bun. How am I supposed to do that right with these huge hands?"

He exchanged the picture for one from Hope's first ballet recital the previous spring. Pepper had snapped it after they'd picked up Hope at the end of the performance. Steve held her in one arm, his other was tightly around Maria. They were all smiles. Hope, thrilled to be taking home her little duck ballet costume at the end of Sleeping Beauty, held a bouquet of flowers Steve had picked out for her. It was such a perfect day. And Steve, so foolishly, had imagined that the worst of their trials were behind them. All of the terrible things they had been through since they'd married were in the past. A month later, Maria was gone.

Steve closed his eyes and fought for control. Lately he had begun to feel the same as when he'd awoke from the ice. Only there was no Maria to come to him in the midst of his loneliness and despair. And Steve knew there never would be. It had taken him over a year to work through his loss of Peggy before he could finally entertain the idea of someone else. He had no interest in doing it again. What he and Maria had was something he'd only once dreamed. She had made all those dreams come true. He didn't need anyone else for that.

Finally, Steve reached for the letter Maria had given him on their last anniversary.

_Dear Steve,_

_Another year has come and gone and I am still always amazed at how full you have made my life. You give me more than I ever dreamed I could have. And, though each year has had its good and bad, the bad is not so terrible with you by my side, and the good is even more so for the same reason. I don't know what the future holds for us but I know that if you are with me, I will never worry over it._

_Your love and gentleness toward me, and toward our beautiful daughter, mean so much more than I can express in words, but I hope I will be able to show you every day how grateful I am for the gift of your love._

_Forever,_

_Maria_

Steve stared at the letter, still upset with himself that after all he'd gone through in his life, he'd failed to grasp the brevity of that word, forever.

He tried to shake himself out of his stupor as he looked over at the staircase. He'd wanted to make it his goal to actually sleep in his bed tonight. He hadn't since Maria had gone missing. And since she'd been declared dead, he hadn't been in the room. Pepper had been kind enough to remove his clothing, and Steve slept on the sofa, or on the floor in Hope's room.

("I was never this emotional before I met you." "Is that a bad thing?" "No, it means I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone." "Then I will do everything to remain worthy of your trust.")

He shook his head and turned away from the stairs. He picked up the wine glasses and carried them into the kitchen. After he poured the wine from the other glass into the sink, he looked around. This whole house was filled with her. Every corner held some memory of her, of them together, of their family. When Maria'd first been declared dead, Steve had wanted to sell the house and everything in it. It had all been too much for him. Now, he couldn't imagine leaving it. Even as painful as the memories were, they were all he had left, and he didn't want to rid himself of those.

It would get easier, he tried to assure himself. There had to be a time soon when he could go through a day at home without breaking down.

He walked back to the living room and turned the gas off in the fireplace, then he sighed deeply and resigned himself to another night on the sofa.

Been one tough week,  
Dead on my feet   
But I've made plans for tonight   
When I'm feeling blue,   
Know just what to do   
And how to make it right   
Seems like I've needed this forever   
Gonna have myself a night to remember 

Dim the lights, lock the door,   
Spread your pictures on the floor,   
Throw the dust off of our past   
Iet it all come floodin' back,   
'Cause it ain't easy being strong   
And when I can't forget you're gone   
I just surrender,   
And have myself a night to remember. 

Sad ain't my style   
But once in a while   
I just have to give in   
'Cause a woman like you,   
Is so hard to lose   
You just don't want it to end   
I know this can't go on forever   
So tonight I'll have a night to remember 

Dim the lights, lock the door,   
Spread your pictures on the floor,   
Throw the dust off of our past   
Iet it all come floodin' back,   
'Cause it ain't easy being strong   
And when I can't forget you're gone   
I just surrender,  
And have myself a night to remember. 

Oh it ain't easy being strong   
And when I can't forget your gone   
I'll just surrender   
and have myself a night to remember

 

**Author's Note:**

> *NICU babies often have a homecoming day celebration in addition to their birthday, at least mine does. :)
> 
> IMO, this is the worst of it. They have other difficulties, but never anything as bad as this again. So the rest of the stories might be safe. :)


End file.
